Half of my life ago...

August 9, 1994 was a day that I have run through my head a million times over in the past 14 years. It’s brought on every emotion known to man and affected me in ways that only our great God can fully know.

I woke up that Tuesday morning not long before 6:00am. It was nearing the end of the summer and my brother had soccer camp that week out at USCS (now, USC Upstate). So, while it was early and I thought it a little odd that the light in the hallway was on and people were talking in the hallway, I just thought my parents were getting an early start to the day. Being the inquisitive (aka “nosy”) person that I can be, I got out of bed to see what they were doing up so early to find my neighbors, Al and Cindy, outside my door.

I went into my parents’ bedroom to see my dad laying in the bed, barely breathing and his lips a pale shade of blue. I wanted so badly to reach out and put my hand on his chest, to hold his hand, to give him a hug, to kiss his face… but all I could do was stand there with my arms wrapped around myself. Turns out I didn’t know what fear really was until that moment.
Cindy was standing next to the bed massaging his hand and I remember her saying that his hands were clammy. I had to leave that room. Right then. Somehow I ended up in our living room where I did what anyone in my situation would do. I turned on the computer and started to play solitaire. It’s ok, you can laugh :)

Shortly afterwards, the ambulance arrived and the paramedics went back to my parents’ room. As they came back toward the front of the house, I walked over to the door they were about to walk by and as I closed the door, I saw my dad’s feet on the stretcher, having no idea that would be the last time I would see him alive.

The rest of that morning was pure torture. Mom followed the ambulance to Spartanburg Regional Hospital (no idea why she couldn’t ride WITH them) and when it was time, Cindy took my brother to his soccer camp. I tried to make the time go by as fast as I could, but without much success. I played more solitaire, I stared out the back sliding glass door, I tried to find something on TV, but while I was in that place, time seemed to stand still. I look back now and it seems that it passed by in a flash. What was probably a couple of hours later, I was sitting in “daddy’s chair” watching an episode of Sisters when my mom and our pastor walked in. I didn’t really have to ask, but I did anyway. “How is he?” Mom’s simple reply was, “He’s gone.”
The next couple of days became a blur of people coming and going and calling and visiting and hugging and kissing and crying and loving us. I have never seen so much food in my fridge nor have I gotten as many hugs as I did that week.

While I would not wish this experience on ANYONE, I’m thankful for how God has been able to use what my family went through for His purposes, which are always much more detailed and intentional than I could ever imagine. While I grew up in the church and accepted Christ as my savior when I was about 9, it took until my freshman year at Clemson before I let God really get His hands on me and draw me into Himself. Ever since then, He’s been my Father, my provider, my strength, my heart, my life, my everything. We’ve had a few rocky patches along the way, but what relationship doesn’t? My dad and I had more rocky patches than I would like to ever admit, but in spite of all that I consider hard or bad, God has used it all to shape and mold me into ME.

One of the hardest things about life is trying to be a friend to someone who has gone through something like this (just take a glance at the book of Job in the Bible!). We never know what to say. We never really know what to do, which is why we take food. You don’t have to talk if you’re eating! Most of the time, there just isn’t anything TO say or do. My advise: whatever you do say, do NOT start quoting scripture. As true as it is, it’s actually the last thing someone in that position wants to hear. Twice in the past 9 years I’ve had a few friends lose their dads as quickly as I lost mine. While I still didn’t know what to say, I was at least able to give them a hug and say, “I know” through my tears, letting them know that they aren’t alone in what they’re going through.

Most years when August 9 rolls around, I remember what day it is but I’m either at work or I have something going on. But I think because I was 14 when he died and it’s now 14 years later (and I’m this much closer to turning 30) I’ve been a little more reflective than normal. To be honest, I didn’t think I’d make it to the age of 17, much less 28. I don’t think I had any kind of concept of what 14 years later would look like. I’m just thankful that God has brought me this far and I’m still in one piece!

It would take a book to explain all that He’s taught me in the past 14 years. The main thing I’ve learned though, and I seem to still be learning, is that HE is God and I’m not. I know, simple concept, right? Then why do I think that my plans are better than His, when in fact, once I let Him do His thing, I realize that what He’s done is in fact what I wanted all along? For example, I wanted to go to the Naval Academy more than anything in the world. And I thought that God wouldn’t have put that desire in me if He didn’t have that plan for me. The reality of it was that I wanted to be a midshipman more than I wanted to follow God’s plan. So, I ended up at Clemson… which was almost the last place I wanted to be. I realize for those that know me – or have only met me once - that’s hard to believe. But, it turns out that since that’s where God intended for me to be, that’s what I actually wanted!! I just didn’t know it at the time because I was blinded by myself and MY plans.

The truth is, regardless of what’s happened in life, God will use it to glorify Himself. The only catch is that we have to LET Him be God and LET Him lead the way. But, if we can remove those blinders that only let us look at ourselves and instead open our eyes to what He wants to do with us through us and around us, we would see that we would be insane to NOT let Him lead the way.

There are some days that something will hit me and I’ll find my heart caught in my throat and tears welling up in my eyes over the loss of my dad. It’s not easy growing up on this earth without a father. But, out of this tragedy, God has revealed Himself to me as my Father and let me see Him in ways I may not have been as open to had my dad survived that heart attack.

Daddy, as much as we went through, as many tears as I’ve shed and as much laughter as we shared, I still love you. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you.

Abba, Father, as much as we’ve been through, as many tears as I’ve shed and as much laughter as we've shared, I will always love you. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for You.

Michael Gray Lewis
February 12, 1949 - August 9, 1994